Things I wish I could do

There are of course some massive things I wish I could do that take training, education, oodles of money etc. Like driving an ambulance or fire engine at full pelt and having cars move out of my way. (Need to learn how to drive for starters.) But there are other, fairly simple things I wish I could do, or at least manage to do without ballsing them up somehow.

1. Put washing powder in the specified drawer in the washing machine without my hand deciding it would like to throw the last bit on the floor.

2. When I am ill I would like to be able to cough or sneeze without wetting myself a tiny bit. I mean I am in my early 30s, never had a baby, and it never happens when I am not ill.

My face when a little bit of wee comes out – also similar open maw type face while yabbering away – see item 5…

3. Keep in time with aerobics instructors. I am not one to workout in front of people, so my workouts happen on my own, in front of the TV to some overly up-beat person recorded from the Fitness Channel. It reminds me a bit of a Victoria Wood sketch – Fatitude (let’s funk it up a little bit!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc1ZuQmwbLo

4. To make more eye contact with shop assistants. I have worked in a shop before, so don’t think I don’t make eye contact because I think they are a sub-standard class of person, no. I think it is because I am inately pretty shy, I’m not a big fan of making conversation with people I don’t know, especially if I’m not feeling too shiny. Although I always seem to end up on a till with someone reeeeeeeally chatty, the kind at the supermarket who wants to talk about everything you are buying – ‘Oooh these are nice, do you like them?’ ‘No, I hate them, that is why I am buying them.’ ‘Oooh loo roll, you must like wiping your arse then?’ etc. etc. I often have to make myself make sure that before I leave that I properly look them in the eye and smile and say thank you.

5. To know when to stop talking. Well I suppose I do sort of know this, but I’ve always been a chatterbox. I know I can go on a bit, and lately I suppose part of me has decided not to be the one who has to keep conversation going. I don’t like awkward silences so often I find I am racing through my mind thinking of something vaguely amusing or interesting to talk about. Now I don’t think I am going to bother with that. I need to make more of an effort to ask people about stuff they want to talk about, or just let them talk at me. Over the years I’ve found that most people I talk to tend to be distracted by other stuff, other people in the room, the tv, their phone, something shiny on the floor etc. When I see that sort of thing happening now I know it is time to close, to wind the conversation down or simply just stop mid-flow and see if it is noticed. (Most of the time not.) Sometimes part of the chatterboxing is from not really talking to people much during the day, so when I get the opportunity it is a bit of a verbal durchfall. (Great German word.) Now I am in my 30s, married to a lovely man who actually does listen to me when I talk, I think that’s enough for me. Everyone else can just talk at me while I smile and nod, don’t worry I won’t try and talk back, I know you won’t be listening anyway.

6. Be a bit braver on the inside. Sometimes I can act a bit brave, like walking down the street heading for some unsavoury types who won’t move out of my way to let me pass on the pavement, so I just walk through them all like I don’t give a shit. Inside I am a bit ‘oh shit, oh shit’. But there are other times when I let my inside dweeb get the better of me. Like my fear/hatred of London, well, not exactly London, but the crowds, the tube line, the memories I have of being quite alone and scared during my short time there some 12 years ago now. I want to go there and enjoy it, to embrace the busy world of a city – not just London but most cities. I want to not shrink away and slowly die inside while the panic rises until crisis point. The last time I went to London I was in tears on the bus on the way back from the train station. It had all got a bit much for me. I need to take some of my outside bravado and squish it into the inside.

I think that will do for now, plenty of other things, but I can always moan about them another time.